I am so looking forward to my sabbatical.

Big plans? Nope.

Small ones.

a cabin for a week

a juice cleanse

lots of hiking in the cold

lots of reading under Pendleton blankets

lots of writing

I’m having a quiet morning. Not much running through my head right now.

I’m not complaining.

But I’m also not dreaming.

Why? Because I really want to go to Paris over Sabbatical.

But do I really want or do I want to simply because it’s not yet safe and I can’t?

I don’t like closed doors.

I need the world open so the decisions are mine.

Yes, I’m aware that I am a control freak. I need to say no to Paris – Paris can’t say no to me.

It makes me wonder what part of my life felt so utterly out of control that I insist on holding on to control now.

Certainly childhood – but what child can say different? We are all controlled as children. Most decisions are not our own.

Teenage years?

There was little pressure. Just go to school and then get a job.

My job?

It’s work, you don’t have to like it. And you want to love your job? HA! That’s for other people. Clever businessmen, elite athletes.

We can’t.

You can’t.

Don’t.

I didn’t ask why not loudly enough.

Why didn’t I control the narrative?

Yes, I can.

You can’t see the importance? I can.

You can’t find passion? I can.

You can’t see potential? I can.

You can’t muster the courage? I can.

And maybe in the questions I figured out the one answer.

I

I

I

How long did it take before yes replaced no?

Did I leave my hometown because I “can’t“?

Did I move to new states and strange countries because I “can’t“?

How many choices did I (do I?) make just because I “can’t“?

Why do I need to challenge the “shoulds”, the “can’t“?

Whatever the answer, I have no plans to stop.