I’m watching water droplets slide off my hair and onto my keyboard as my fingers frantically try to keep up with my thoughts on this hazy summer morning. It’s a rare thing to be able to completely give yourself over to a moment and, even as I floated effortlessly over the too-warm-water surface, my mind was invaded by thoughts of how to extend this feeling of relaxing I’m supposed to be focusing on.

But are you really relaxing if you’re constantly focused on the fact that you are relaxing?

Yes, I heard my breath and my heartbeat as I sank uder the surface for the umpteenth time this long 4th of July weekend. Still, even in the most primal of environments (submerged in body-temperature waters surrounded by nothing but the sound of your own breath and heart), my mind still wants to take me to places I’d much rather avoid.

For how much longer will I be employed after the “restructuring”?

Are my plants at home dying?

Are my cats at home dying?

If only, if only, if only…

My mind wanders to a fantasy world of smallness and invisibility and perfection. I long for solitude, where no one depends on me except me.

Fitness and strength and cleanliness and breath.

Quiet and calm.

Disruption-free.

Completely selfish yet utterly lacking in even a semblance of guilt…